South Philly Traffic Court by Claire Coslop with a little help from Jesse Baruffi -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Bailiff: All rise for the fuckin' judge. :: judge enters the court room polishing off a hoagie, clearly wearing an Eagles jersey under his robe. scratch that. his robe is green with the Eagles emblem, and he's wearing sweatpants and white sneakers :: :: courtroom cheers :: Judge: First case is Valentino versus Barbagli. Mister Louis Barbagli claims that Anthony Valentino maliciously damaged his vehicle. Valentino, what happened? Valentino: Your honor, I was on my lunch break at my job at Comcast, right, and I'm makin' a right onta Snyder Avenue, an' dis prick darts out in front'a me in his stupid fuckin' Iroc, like he's the king'a the fuckin' world. I slam on my brakes an' grip da wheel, and I drops my cheesesteak on the floor. I had a coupl'a pretzels in there too, for the kids. I was pissed, and - ah, judge, lemme ask you this: do you got Comcast? Judge: I do. They got all tha Iggles games. Valentino: Right. We was gonna watch tha Iggles embarrass the shit outta the fuckin' Cowboys. :: entire courtroom erupts "E-A-G-L-E-S! IGGLES!!" :: :: somebody in the audience shouts "Fuck the Cowboys!" :: Valentino: So anyways, I says to dis guy, "Hey! Watch it, asshole - I work union!" He don't say nothin'. He takes off, and I fig're tha's the end of it. So I get back to the job we're workin' on, and this same fuckin' guy's got his same fuckin' Iroc in my fuckin' parking spot! Judge: Did you save your spot with a cone? Valentino: Nah, it was a lawn chair. Judge: That's just as good. Continue. Valentino: So anyways, I says to myself, I says "self, whaddam I gonna do?" Dis asshole made me drop my cheesesteak, and now he's parked in my spot. So I did what any decent man would do - I found anudder parkin' spot. Barbagli: Bullshit! You got out and punched my fuckin' car! Valentino: No I didn't. There was the neighborhood kids playin' near your car. They was climbin' all over it. That's why it got the dent. Judge: Barbagli, would you like to explain? Barbagli: Thank you, your honor. I was leavin' the Ac-a-me, on my way to Frangelli's to pick up a cake for my mother's 95th birthday. Judge: Frangelli's, they got them dowwar cupcakes. My neice works there. Barbagli: Oh, who's your neice? Judge: Gina. You know her? Barbagli: Oh, I love Gina! So anyways, I'm crossin' Snyder, and this is where I screwed up. I admit this. I pressed the button to change the radya station, and before I know it, here's this guy crossin' right in fron'a me! I hit the brakes - it was totally my fault - and I apologized. And get this, he tells me to go fuck myself! So I make my way to Frangelli's, get the cake, and go to my mother's. There's a parking spot right in front of her house. I move the lawn chair outta the way, cause I got groceries, yanno? And a cake. And it ain't his spot - it ain't nobody's spot! So we have a nice party for my mother. She loves the cake. My mother goes to bed, and the party's over. So I get back to my car - it's about 2:30 in the afternoon, and I see this prick here - the same guy tol' me to go fuck myself - punchin' my fuckin' car! Judge: You see Valentino here? Barbagli: Yea! That asshole! He's puttin' a fuckin' dent in my car, that prick! ::courtroom erupts "BOOOO!!" with people throwing pretzel pieces at Valentino:: :: judge slams gavel. bang! bang! bang! :: Judge: Everybody shut the fuck up! So Barbagli, you're tellin' me Mister Valentino punched your car, and Valentino, you're sayin' the neighborhood kids was climbin' on the thing. This calls to bring in our first witness, Mister Ronnie Pastrami. member of audience: You mean Ronnie with the fuckin' tights?! :: Ronnie enters the courtroom, drinking diet Fanta, wearing a Phillies jacket, a tank top, and his signature brown tights, and takes the stand :: Ronnie: Hey everybody, my name's Ronnie. I'm a comedian. People ask me, "Ron, where'd you get your sense of humor?" I tell 'em I got it from the Good Humor ice cream truck! Ho ho ho! Judge: Mister Pastrami, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, under the penalty of perjury, Gah forbit? Ronnie: Oh, you bet. Say judge, did I ever tell you I used to be a gamblin' addict? Oh, I wasn't worth two pennies in a bucket. I used to smoke crack and go down to the casina. Then they give you free drinks, and that was no good for me. But I quit gamblin', I'm clean and sober, I'm worth a million bucks! Judge: You did tell me that. In fact, you told me that twice last week alone, when I saw you at Steak 'Em Up. Ronnie: Can you blame me? I'm one of a kind! Kids love me! Judge: Mister Pastrami, did you see what happened to Mister Barbagli's car? Ronnie: I did. We were listening to the Phillies game on the radya. I was out on the street, throwin' a tennis ball against the building I live in. Hey, that's how I stay in shape! Judge: So what did you see? What happened to the fuckin' car? Ronnie: I'm not so sure, judge. To be sure, I'd have to spend a week down at the shore! Ah-ha ha! ::nobody laughs at the joke:: Judge: For the love'a Saint Anthony, we brings you awl the way down here to testify, and you don't know what you sawl?! audience member: Jesus Christ, this guy's a real jack-off! Judge: HEY!! Don't take the fuckin' Lord's name in vain! And back to you, Pastrami, you didn't see nothin'? Were tha neighborhood kids climbin' on the car? Ronnie: I'll tell ya, Judge. All the kids on Porter Street are nothin' but trouble. But they were playin' skee ball with the storm drains. audience member: Those ain't for storms! Those is for throwin' your trash away - everybody knows dat! Judge: Was the kids playin' on the car? Ronnie: No Judge, I didn't see 'em on Valentino's Iroc. Valentino: I don't drive a fuckin' Iroc! I gotta Benz, a Dodge sedan, a Toyota truck with a quad hitched on the back, an Escalade, a '63 Pontiac Tempest, and a bread truck around the corner. I don't got no stupid fuckin' Iroc! Judge: You park all that shit out on the street? No wonder nobody can find a fuckin' parkin' spot around here! Ronnie, take a hike. It's time for witness number two - my neice Gina Ponsetti. :: Gina enters the courtroom, greeted by hoots, hollers, cheers, and whistles from the audience :: Valentino: Objection, your honor! Gina's friends with Barbagli, and she's your neice! That's gotta be a constellation of, uh... :: embarrassed, Valentino stops talking for once in his life :: Judge: That's what I thought. :: Gina takes the stand :: Gina: Hi Uncle Frankie! Hi Louie! Barbagli: Hi Gina! Judge: Hiya Gina! Do you swear to tell the truth an' all that shit? Gina: Whaddo I look like, one'a them douchebags in the four-story, luxury townhouses? :: entire courtroom, including the bailiff, Barbagli, Valentino, and the judge, erupts into a roar of cheering, shouting things like, "Fuck them yuppie assholes!" and "Broad Street Bullies!" Amid the cheering, some audience members find it in themselves to sucker punch each other :: Judge: Can you tell the courtroom what you sawl? :: again, courtroom erupts into hoots and cheers :: Gina: I was gettin' off my shift at Frangelli's. I had just got home, and I was takin' Gelatti out to take a shit. Gelatti's my dog. Judge: How's the little guy doin'? Gina: He's gettin' big. You should see him! So I'm takin' Gelatti out around the block, and I see this guy here (points at Valentino) punchin' Louie's Chevy Iroc, like nobody needs ta be punchin' nobody else's car. That is just so outta line! If you gotta problem, talk it out! You don't gotta go around beatin' up a car. Judge: You saw Valentino punchin' the Iroc? Gina: Yeah. And Louie's such a nice man, he don't deserve that! Judge: Well that's that. Thank you, Gina. You can step down. I rule in favor of the plaintiff. Valentino: Yes!! In your face, asshole! Judge: You're the defendant, knucklehead. I order compensation to be made to Louie Barbagli to the tune of four hundred dowwars worth'a Wawa gift cards. I also order the defendant - that's you, Valentino - to say somethin' nice about Andy Reid. :: courtroom boos :: Valentino: No! Nuh uh! No way! Fuck Andy Reid! Judge: I don't like him, neither. But I'm makin' you say somethin' nice about 'im in fronna all these people. :: audience bursts into laughter and more cheers :: Valentino: Aw Christ... Andy Reid... had a nice haircut at the 2006 game against the Denver Broncos. Judge: That's horseshit. The guy wears a hat! :: audience laughter intensifies. more booing. audience smashes bottles on the floor and throws solo cups and hoagie chunks at Valentino. Courtroom chants "Fuck Andy Reid! Fuck Andy Reid!" More fights break out between audience members. The bailiff, Valentino, Barbagli, Gina, and the judge join in as the chant turns into "Iggles! Iggles!" ::